Learn to say no without feeling guilty

‘No’ – it’s just two letters. It’s only one little word. But why is it so hard to use?

Whether it’s a salesperson, your best friend or your boss making a request, saying ‘no’ is not easy. For some of us, the mere prospect of saying ‘no’ can bring about reactions ranging from mild social discomfort to hours (even days) of intense agonising over the decision.

When we see a canvasser on the street, clipboard in hand – many of us go to extreme lengths to avoid saying no. We cross the road or pretend to talk on the phone. We’d rather do that than say “No, I am sorry I don’t want to donate to your charity.”

Why is that? Why do we think saying ‘no’ is so bad? Why do we have such feelings of guilt?

If you have ever spent time with a toddler, you’ll know this inability to say ‘no’ is not a problem we’re born with! We spend our entire childhood hearing ‘do as you’re told’, and ‘be good’. We’re conditioned to be agreeable and helpful, to compromise, and to avoid conflict. There comes a point however, when accommodating the wants and needs of other people above our own can actually become a form of self-harm. We become our own worst enemy. We end up putting pressure on ourselves; often unnecessary pressure we could quite easily have avoided, if we had just said the simple word ‘No’.

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself” – Paulo Coehlo.

Beginning to learn to say no is an essential tool in our happiness toolbox for life. But why is it so hard and how can you learn this vital life skill?

As a child, we often heard ‘no’ from our parents – ‘no, you can’t have another ice cream’, ‘no you can’t stay up all night’. Not surprisingly, we learn to think of it as a negative word designed to spoil our fun. As we mature, we start to worry that saying no will make us seem selfish, unhelpful or rude.

But could we be worrying unnecessarily about the consequences of saying ‘no’?

If you say no to a request… do you think everyone will hate you, you’ll have no friends, or you’ll be immediately sacked? Try putting yourself in the asker’s shoes next time you’re considering saying ‘no’. Ask yourself how much you would really care? Would you cut the person off just for not helping you with a task? Surely not. Even if you were briefly disappointed, chances are you’d move on pretty fast. So could it be that the amount of guilt you feel about saying ‘no’ is a bit disproportionate?

Why is it so important to learn to say no?

You know that horrible feeling you get when you’ve agreed to do something you don’t want to do? Regret, perhaps mingled with a touch of self-loathing, plus some resentment even towards the person who asked you. It can be hard to stomach. Saying Yes on a regular basis, not No when appropriate, can be seriously harmful to your physical and mental health. Not expressing our true feelings has been linked to everything from a lowered immune system, to depression and low self-esteem.

Importantly, learning to say no also has a profound effect on our experience of saying yes. When ‘yes’ becomes a word of choice, rather than of duty and resentment, it becomes a joyful expression of accepting the good things in life. When you really mean your ‘yes’, it becomes so much sweeter.

So how can we learn to say no?

We know that saying yes to things we don’t want to do can be harmful, but how do we learn to say no without feeling guilty?

My free mini-course will help you with this. It’s made up of five engaging videos. You’ll learn:

•  How to stop people pressurising you into saying yes.
•  Whether you’re instinctively a yes person or a no person.
•  When you should say yes and when it makes sense to say no.
•  How adapting your communication style when you say no can really help.
•  That it really is possible to say no positively!

Start now. Learn to say no positively without feeling guilty

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